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Fade To Thin

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

I threw my back out doing laundry this morning. It's times like these I wish I had a laptop, so I could lie in bed and post blog entries without ever abandoning a prone postition. Of course, the less hardy journaler would simply skip the day. To them I say, "Hah! OUCH!"

Seriously, these back problems are getting worse as I get older. The problem started a few years back with an injury that left me bed-ridden for three days. I know that my weight is exacerbating the problem, which is one of the reasons I am trying to lose some pounds. I feel old before my time, and I don't like it.

My friend N. just came over to see me. We've been friends for years and I love him to death, but there is one thing he does that bothers me. Whenever I remark about my weight, he insists that I am not fat. I know he is trying to spare my feelings, or make me feel better, but it bothers me. I AM FAT! I AM! There isn't anything wrong with that. Yes, I am unhappy at this weight. Yes, I am trying to lose. But there isn't anything inherently bad about being fat. When I say I am fat, and someone denies it to spare my feelings, it only reinforces the attitude that there is something bad about my fat. That it must not be spoken of, or admitted to. No one would deny that I have brown hair, or hazel eyes, or freckles. Why deny the most noticeable thing about me?

I am not going to yell at someone for commenting on the obvious. I can understand (to a degree) strangers being wary of talking about it, but one of my best friends shouldn't be. Why walk on eggshells around me? My weight has caused me problems in the past. People have said rude things and hurt my feelings. It has kept me from doing some things. But when I talk about it, I am just being honest. I would hope that my friends felt comfortable enough around me to be just as honest in return.

Monday, March 31, 2003

I ate well today. I made a beautiful roast turkey with homemade gravy and steamed broccoli. I am trying to force 64oz of water down my gullet everyday. Blecch. I have no idea why it's so difficult for me to get enough water, but it is. I think it's because it's something I feel like I HAVE to do, and I resent it. If you tell me to do something, I want to do the opposite. I've always been that way. Whatever it is, I 'm determined to suck it up and stick with the water. I'd kill for an ice cold glass of Coke though.

I think I have gotten the archives template up and running for now. I'll be adding a comment section soon. Jesus, I have been working on this damn thing all night. Ever have one of those nights? You start something and you just have to finish it. You get so wrapped up in it, you lose track of time and suddenly there's light peeking in through the windows and you can hear the birds beginning to stir. And you know that you have fucked yourself out of a good night's sleep for a stupid web page. If only I focused this intensely on losing weight, I'd look like Kate moss by now. My priorities are whacked.

I have had a weight problem all of my life. I started as a chubby child and teenager, progressed to a fat adult, and, in the last few years, have become a really fat adult. My current weight is hovering around the 300 lb. mark. Jesus, that was hard to write.


Like almost everyone else on the planet who struggles with their weight, I have been on a million diets. I've lost a little weight here and there, but I have always gained it back, plus some. Recently, several members of my family have run into some serious health problems, many of them due to excessive weight. I have also developed a lot of minor aches and pains due to my weight. When I was younger, I could carry the fat off without too many problems, but now, as I approach thirty, I realize I cannot continue to abuse my body this way. I know the deal. I only have to look at my family history to know it. I don't want to grow old before my time. I don't want to have a heart attack at forty, or develop diabetes. I want to know, for once, before I die, what it feels like to be thin.


So, I have decided to give it another shot, and to document my progress here. No crash diets, or starvation, or gimmicks this time. I know that in order to lose weight and keep it off, I have to make permanent changes for the better.


One woman's journey from fat to fit, from flab to firm, and other assorted catchphrases that sound really great but mean essentially nothing.

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